Archive | January, 2014

Enter The Musk Ox

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I had the chance to ride my bike today, and I have to say, it was pretty freaking awesome. For many people this is no big deal, but for those of us who live in the dark Hoth-like recesses of Jack Frost’s frozen polar vortex of a bung hole it can be a very big deal. A very COLD big deal…

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Bike Mags & Smut

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So often we hear or use the phrase “bike porn,” (or “bike pron” for those wishing to mask their digital tracks) when talking about bikes we are lusting after. So, the other day while on the trainer, I started wondering what might happen if you crossed a story that one (might) find in a smut mag with a story about riding bikes. It seemed like it would be easy and sort of a goof to do, so I did a little Googling, followed by a bit of history deleting, and found a site that, (surprisingly) I had never been on before. The site had a ton of reprinted (so NOT MTBR) Forum stories that I think were featured in a that one mag that refers to their centerfolds as “pets” (please ignore that little dose of misogyny, thanks).

At first, the experiment was proving difficult, I mean some of the stories were freaking over the top! But after perusing a few, I found one that would work well enough and have shared my “new” version below. For the record I straight up plagiarized this story written by T.P. From Austin, Texas (no, I am not going to link you to the original and I don’t really care about the plagiarizing since Mr. T.P. didn’t even give his really freaking name). The red text is the text that I swapped or added to make this all happen.

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The Struggle

I got me a case of writer’s block. It’s not entirely my fault, it just that there is NOTHING going on except zero degree temps and snow. OK, there are things going one but I’m talking about things that are worth talking about. The following is a list of things that I thought about blathering on about but realized there was no real point…

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Oh, Jake…

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This quote pretty much sums up Jake (the dog)…

Bulldogs aren’t noisy in the same way that other breeds can be noisy, meaning they are generally not ‘barkers’. However, they are known to snore, grunt, belch, and pass gas.

I wish I could say that Jake never barked. Sadly, he does. In particular when there is a stranger (in his world) in the house. Case in point: my father in-law is visiting this weekend for B-Man’s baptism. Yeah, after almost 10 years, B-Man is finally being Christened (you can blame his heathen parents me for that. I wanted it to be his decision and not make him born into a religion… he asked, we said yes). Jake is not too keen on the idea (a visitor in the house, not the Christening… I don’t believe Jake has any real issues with Christianity or Catholicism, but I really don’t know).

Anyway, there has been way more barking than usual, until RIGHT now…. Now,  Jake is laying on my lap, numbing my legs, enjoying life and soaking up the heat from my under the desk space heater whilst I type this blurb of nothingness. Before you ask, YES, I have been farted on.

JAKE!!!!!!!

 

Lonely For The Road

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Another coating of snow, ice and slush overnight has made me a bit lonely to get out on the dirt roads. Sadly, a ride on roads free of ice and snow doesn’t look like it will be happening any time soon, so today I wasted some time THINKING about riding and pulling the velo-trigger on making a tire change.

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Sausage Party

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I would love to fill your heads with tales of racing and long rides, but I can’t. I could probably talk about U.S. Cyclocross Nationals, but cross really isn’t my thing, so I won’t. Instead, I will fill your head with sausages, because lately many have come to expect very little from this “cycling” blog and I aim to please.

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