Dealing With The Lion II

Earlier this month I lamented the fact that after a pretty sweet February of warmer weather and riding, March had come in like a lion with snow, ice, rain, and a lack of riding. Now here we are on the last day of the month and March is still twerking its wet, cold, slushy ass cheeks in the face of central Michigan like a trailer court queen drunk on wine coolers, wooing her step dad into paying for that dolphin tattoo she wants on her ankle. Thankfully I found some time–in between those unwanted wintry twerks–to get some miles in.

Even though the March weather never did get too spring-like, I somehow finished the month with just over 300 miles, giving me nearly 650+ miles so far this year. This is a laughable stat to hardcore cyclists, but given that I’m a 46-year-old just riding for the love of it, and that normally the first three months of the year in Michigan would be spent indoors, or eking out a handful of fat bike rides, I will take every one of those miles! Especially since Operation Stop Looking Like a Fat Morrissey/Orange is The New Black Inmate took effect in mid-February.

Speaking of O.S.L.L.A.F.M.O.I.T.N.B.I., or “os-laugh-moit-enn-bi” for short, Thursday was weigh in day. According to the Scale of Lies & Hate, I am now down 10.6 pounds since February 13th. Part of me is stoked about that, and part of me feels like I am pissing in the ocean–or at least the local indoor water park pool–knowing that I have 45 more pounds to drop to get to my goal weight. Sigh… I sort of miss when fat shaming was an acceptable motivational weight loss technique practiced by smarter, thinner, better looking, bullying classmates of yesteryear, I think it really did help.

Along with increased riding and working out, I’ve made a number of adjustments to my diet: cutting back on meat, (slightly) smaller portion sizes, cutting my alcohol consumption by more than half, and eliminating liquor (the beloved gin & tonic) completely. All of these things have helped, but I know I could do more. I’m not sure that I will though, because while slow, the pounds are coming off (1.6 per week average), there’s more miles ahead, and damn it, life is too goddamn short to go without a frosty IPA, or some cheese in my burrito!

Hoping that April will stop the wintry twerk, and I can break the 1,000 mile mark by the end of the month. Hitting the -15 lb. mark would be nice too.

OK, Time to get some work done, and then watch The Biggest Loser’s® Fat Shaming Made Easy motivational DVD I picked up on QVC the other day. I heard that at one point in the DVD Jillian Michaels leads a group of high school kids in calling you a fat ass while they pretend to grab your love handles as you walk to the 3rd period math class that you’re failing with a hard F, followed by a girl you have a crush on telling you she doesn’t find you attractive, but thinks the two of you can be friends as her boyfriend laughs in your face and says “maybe she’ll let you borrow one of her bras!!” Oh yeah girl, I can feel the pounds melting away just thinking about it!! Hello skinny jeans!


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