After I write a blog post, in a crap attempt at proof reading to make sure it sounds even a little bit correct, I find myself reading it out loud. I hate doing that because I really hate my voice. If you’ve ever heard any of the XXC Magazine podcasts, you know exactly what I’m talking about. My voice sort of sounds like a pubescent teenage boy (or girl) with a twist of Quentin Tarantino and not one tiny ounce of the talent.
One of my best friends from my youth once told me that the first time he saw Pulp Fiction and heard Tarantino’s voice when he stepped from behind the camera to act (I use the word act VERY loosely) as the character Jimmie Dimmick, MY voice popped into his head. Good thing it wasn’t present day or he would say that not only do our voices sound similar, but like Dimmick, I spend my mornings drinking “the gourmet expensive stuff” while my wife goes to a cash paying job and I sit around in my PJs. Sad, sad, very sad… depressingly sad. CAN I GET A DRINK PLEASE???
BUT! Just because my voice irritates the hell out of me (and many others) doesn’t mean that I don’t look to find a voice for this shit I write. You know, in case this blog ever moves to a full on audio book format, I will be in need of a narrator to voice this shit.
First up, let’s just rule out the likes of Morgan Freeman. Too soothing and earnest for this crap. Just rule out any “known” narrators. Let’s face it, this blog is embarrassingly crap and I talk about nonsense. Morgan (yes, I call him Morgan) is just too good.
If I had my pick, it would come down to three people to be my voice, here they are in reverse order…
3. Michael Davies from the Men In Blazers podcast. He’s on TV too, but his TV voice is a bit too animated for this blog. The podcast voice is the one! I love the inflection, the cadence and sound. The only thing is, he has a British accent, which I love hearing when listening to him on the pod, but I’m not British (although I have all the dread and self loathing that so many have). Still, I love to imagine him reading some of this shit content.
2. Hunter S. Thompson. Or, since he went and blew his head off a few years back, Johnny Depp PLAYING Hunter S. Thompson as he did in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s probably a bit more rapid fire than I want, but I think I would dig it.
1. Anthony Bourdain. Oh how I’d love to have Tony be the voice of this blog (yeah, again with the first names, don’t worry, it’s an industry thing… of course I just need an industry, ANY INDUSTRY to be part of). I am a long time fan of his TV shows, his books and his general attitude. When I listened to him read the audio book version of Kitchen Confidential a few years back, all I could think was yes, yes, YES! That’s the voice. I do lack his ability to travel abroad, embrace cultures, adventure, new foods, etc., etc., etc., There’s also that pesky little thing called talent that keeps getting in the way. Vile bitch. You can see/hear samples of the soothing, velvety, f*ck you voice that I long to someday narrate my blog on his CNN page.
Well, here’s the thing. None–NOT F*CKIGN ONE–of those people are ever going to ever see, let alone read this blog aloud. BUT that doesn’t mean that as I write this stuff I won’t occasionally let one of their voices slip into my brain as I type.
Wow, there’s a waste of a Friday evening if I ever saw one. Sorry. Hell, I didn’t even get into the female voices that I imagine reading this aloud. Hello, Carrie Brownstein!!
Oh well, I guess we’re all stuck with my crap, high-pitched, pubescent, Jimmie Dimmick voice. You have my sympathy. Like they say, I have a face for radio and a voice for a blog no one reads.