If I could have had added a subtitle to this post I think the full title would have been Old School Renewal, The Good, The Bad, and The Goddamn Ugly.
I was unsure if it could/would ever happen again, but after weeks, months and possibly years I am starting to feel like I truly want to get back to living a fitter lifestyle again and taking better care of myself. It started a bit last week with getting out for a few rides, and a couple 3-mile evening walks while I was at the soccer complex for B’s practices. But then, of course, this past weekend’s winter (in April) storm broke me (again), and come Monday I was eager to just drink beer and watch soccer with my free time. Thankfully, I woke up Tuesday did some work, crapped out a blog post, and then suddenly felt like I wanted to get down to the Not So Stankment to get a few miles of lumbering/running in.
The run/lumber went well and was followed by a small but satisfying lunch. Later that evening I found myself with some renewed interest in diet and training and was soon going down digital rabbit holes of diet and training techniques that can best utilize the fuel I store in the gelatinous power grid that hovers above my waistline without wearing me down too fast.
No, I have NO plans to return to racing my bike and there will be no drastic dietary changes like putting butter in my coffee or eating kale in fucking everything, but I realized that part me misses the dedication to diet and exercise it takes to race bikes, even at the shitty mid-pack level I did.
Not being a competitive person by nature, I don’t miss competing, but I miss feeling like an athlete; I enjoy eating right, planning, learning, and pushing myself (pushing myself mentally and physically but not in that “no pain no gain” Nike t-shirt slogan/high school football coach yelling bullshit way).
Losing weight is a goal, of course, but I’m realistic (and going on 47 years old) and know that may or may not happen that quickly, or at all. I want to have fun and get fit. I may end up being the fittest fat man, but I also might be able to dig out that bag of too tight jeans in the back of the closet and have them fit.
With all that said, I am disappointed with myself that I got to this point with my fitness and weight. There have been a variety of things that led me astray in the past 8 years or so: the stress of moving from Pennsylvania to Michigan, the stress of creating and publishing XXC Magazine (and its inevitable demise), not finding, or even knowing if I want a new “career,” medical issues (multiple DVTs), the death of a close friend, etc., etc. Which leads me to the goddamn ugly…
The Goddamn Ugly
I pretty much made this same commitment in winter of 2017 I was eating too much, drinking too much, and wallowing in self-pity and depression but I turned things around and had dropped over 13 pounds by May of 2017. I was stoked and looking forward to a summer of big miles and continued weight loss. Then in June my friend Mike was killed and all that went straight the hell out the window. Not only did I return to eating like shit, I started drinking even more, and got even more depressed.
Despite my hate-fueled writings aimed at this relentless winter, I’ve actually been feeling quite good about a lot of things lately (better living through chemistry) and I’m ready to move on, and return to the things I enjoy, but there is one more added hurdle…
From the buttons popping off my pants I knew that I gained weight I had lost back, but what I didn’t know until yesterday (because I refused to get on a scale) is that I also tacked an additional 7 pounds on, meaning I gained 20 pounds in a year. See, I told you it was ugly. So where last year’s goal was to lose 30 or 40 pounds, I am now looking at 40 or 50. Ffffffffffffffffffffffuck!
So there you go, the good, the bad and the goddamn ugly. It’s only been a few days, but I am happy with the week thus far and was even happier to have completed 4.5 miles on the treadmill today while staying within my aerobic heart rate range and getting a hell of a sweat on. With some luck the roads just might be clear enough for a paved road ride tomorrow. Not counting on it, but it sure would be nice.