Missed Goals & Other Things

Back in early 2017 I had a doctor’s appointment in which I was encouraged to think about losing a few pounds. In turn, I cut back my liquid calories (beer), tried to control my portion sizes, upped my mileage on the bike, and flirted with the goal of 5,000 miles by January 1, 2018. That resulted in losing almost 15 pounds by my next visit in early May. I was stoked, at least for a little while.

About a month after that visit I had swelling in my left leg that caused some concern1 and required a trip to the hospital for a doppler. It turned out to be negative but it was a mental kick in the junk and I had trouble bouncing back from the scare, feeling like there was no point in trying because another clot is always lurking to sideline me… or, you know, kill me.

Then just as I was starting to find my mojo again my good friend Mike was killed by a motorist less than a mile from my house while he was out riding. Having a friend pass away is hard, having a friend killed is harder, and having a friend killed doing the same thing you love to do is even harder. I briefly flirted with the idea of just giving up on cycling, but found that impossible.

Despite all of that, I forced myself back in the saddle. I was, and am, happy that I didn’t let Mike’s death come between me and my love of riding my bike, but I would be lying if I said that some days I didn’t feel like losing my shit at cars while I’m riding. The mourning process for Mike also continues to come in waves. I’ll go days with full-on acceptance of it all, but then out of the blue, I’ll get hit with the sadness again. I seemed to spend much of last week fighting off waves of sadness and continued disbelief over his death, as well as multiple episodes of panic at my own mortality.

Needless to say, I went off the rails a bit with my diet in the recent months. I have no idea how many pounds I gained back; mostly due to the fact that I refuse to get on a scale but I know I have. There’s a little more jiggle in the belly area and my cheek bones have gone on hiatus.

I’m slowly getting back to normal, and feeling good on the bike, so I am hopeful that I will start to see some progress again in the near future. Sadly, my goal of 5,000 miles by January 1 seems unobtainable. As it stands now I have around 2,980 miles logged. Given my slack, my schedule, less than 3 months left in the year, and the weather sure to change in the months ahead, I have a feeling that I will have to be content with somewhere around 3,500 or so.

Having said all that stuff, I refuse to beat myself up about gaining some pounds back and not hitting my mileage goal. It’s been a rough four months or so, I’m making progress with fixing “me” (mentally), and I have to think that the pounds and miles will follow as I continue to make progress.

I will most likely miss out on my goal of 5,000 miles but I’m looking forward to the miles ahead.


  1. For those of you not familiar, I have a history of DVTs (blood clots) in my legs and take a blood thinner to prevent more.

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