Soiled & Spicy Buffalo Turkey Balls
I have talked about meatballs off and on again on this blog for twelve years. If you use the search tool on the main page and type in “meatballs,” or God forbid “balls,” you will no doubt get a crap ton of posts that you don’t want to, and most likely should not, read. And that’s only going back to 2013, and does not include the endless ballsy talk on the old Soiled Chamois blog! 1 I know it makes no sense for a cycling blog to have endless talk about making meatballs, but this is not most cycling blogs. It’s much crapper.
I digress, back to my balls. Back in February I started an attempt to lose 56 pounds. Pounds that I put on by eating too much, having way too many gin and tonics, not riding my bike as much, and generally wallowing in a pit of unemployed despair. Since then I’ve been riding more, eating better, and drinking less. I’ve only lost around 12 of those 56 pounds so far, but, as I learned back in the 90s when I went from 300 lbs. down to 175 at one point, you gotta start somewhere.
One of the small tweaks I’ve made to my diet is to eat less fatty meats, focusing on chicken breasts, lean water packed tuna, veggie meat substitutes, and lean ground turkey. So as much as I long to eat two dozen chicken wings, I do not. But I have found a way to enjoy the taste of Buffalo chicken wings, without all the fat, in the form of my Soiled & Spicy Buffalo Turkey Balls. Nothing quite like a recipe with the words “soiled” and “balls” in it. You see those words, you know you got yourself a winner (or at least a juvenile blogger).
A quick Google search will present you with over 800,000 results for Buffalo Turkey Meatballs. There is nothing all that special about these balls, other than I might cut out a bit more fat and cholesterol than some of those 800,000, but that (and boredom) won’t stop me from posting this.
As is often my want, you won’t get many specifics here on how much meat, bread crumbs, etc to use. Mostly because I have no f*cking idea. I mostly eyeball the amounts. The ingredients will also vary from time to time depending on what I have in the house. Here is what I use when I want to make quick batch of balls:
- 93% lean ground turkey. Don’t be tempted to use ground chicken, it’s too dry. (a fistful)
- Egg Beaters (about 1 egg’s worth)
- Italian bread crumbs (maybe about a 1/2 cup, maybe more or less)
- Big pinch of salt, and lots of pepper. I like pepper.
- Franks Original Hot Sauce. Get Buffalo Wing if you can get it, if not Original will do. (a nice splash or ten)
- Other qualified candidates for ingredients are diced onions, garlic, and some diced hot cherry tomatoes.
I’ve never been one to cook my balls on the stove top, I prefer to spray some PAM on a cookie sheet and bake up the golf ball sized hunks of meaty goodness in the oven at 350˚ for about 30 minutes.
I’ve made these Soiled & Spicy balls about five times in the past two months, have made them differently each time, and each time they have been excellent.
If I make up the balls for lunch I usually have them on a bed lettuce with some fat-free cheddar cheese sprinkled on top, some additional Frank’s Red Hot drizzled on top, and some light blue cheese dressing on the side to complete the faux Buffalo chicken wing eating experience. If I’m having them for more calorie dense dinner I like to eat them as a sandwich, on a good Italian roll, maybe some real cheese, and some low-fat cole slaw on the side.
This recipe will never replicate the delight of sticking a big, crispy chicken wing dripping with grease and spicy hot sauce in my mouth, but it also keeps me from going on some day long bender at Buffalo Wild Wings.
For best results, and some real instructions, do a Google search for Buffalo Turkey Meatballs.