Since I started the Hell’s Deck Project, I’ve been spending more and more time on the front porch of the Cul De Sac Shack. Mostly to keep Jake (The Dog) and Lola from wanting to be on the deck, which is currently a war zone of chemical stripper residue, dust, and odd smells, not to mention the deck gets the afternoon sun, which has been blazing hot recently. In other words, “too hot for bulldogs!”
Anyway, after watching England play one of the shittiest football matches ever played by pro-level athletes, followed by beers while watching Spain and Italy, I took to the front porch to enjoy some beer, the shade, and the warm summer evening.
A few minutes into chilling out, a strange car pulled up in front of the house, and the college-aged driver gave me a wave. Assuming it was one of B’s friends, I texted to tell him they had arrived. It turns out it was NOT one of his friends but a salesman from the company that fertilizes our lawn (something I never imagined having in my life prior to us me pulling a white trash Jefferson’s move about 7 years ago).
“SHIT! I’M TRAPPED!!”
He approached with a clipboard in hand, introduced himself, and then launched into a scripted sales pitch that lasted roughly ten straight minutes without a breath as he tried to upsell me for tree and shrub protection. All I could do was smirk and stare at him through increasingly glazed eyes as he rambled on about getting “the full potential from my landscaping.”
At one point, just as I was about to say “no thanks,” he took off walking towards one of our trees and started picking leaves off it. I sat there, half-jokingly pleading for him to come back and telling him that there was no need for the demonstration in a tone that was a bit too Larry David-ish.
He then proceeded to show me how some of the tree’s leaves had been “damaged” by insects and urged me to consider one of their protection packages.”
“Bugs gotta eat too, I guess. I think we’re good; we’re a little maxed out on the landscaping stuff—we’re good, thanks.”
“Are you sure? You’ve worked hard to have this beautiful landscaping, and I’d like to see you get the most out of it.”
“Truthfully, I cut the grass and planted one shrub three years ago, and the rest was here; I have nothing to do with it. The flowers just do their thing.”
“Earlier, I noticed you said that you were ‘maxed out,’ if this is a financial issue, I can work to get you the lowest possible price.”
“Oh, no, no; I meant we’re maxed out on caring about our landscaping.”
He looked back bewildered and just said, “Oh… OK.”
“Hey, listen, best of luck to you, but I’m just not interested. Have a good night.”
“OK, well, here’s my contact information; if you change your mind, please give me a call, and I can help you get the most out of your yard.”
As he pulled away, I was giggling, and in awe of the Curb Your Enthusiasm meets The Office scenario that just unfolded on my front porch.
Sometimes you just have to let the ridiculousness of life come at you because it can be pretty fucking funny.
Later.
THE SOILD SOUNDS SONG OF THE POST
“It tempts us to become lost in its darkness
And stinks like the piss test you were forced to take
Just before you were told that you
Didn’t meet the standards of integrity
That this organization strives to maintain”