The Nothingness of Dec. 11th

Today was another day on planet Hoth (AKA Michigan). Wind swept frozen snow and ice now covers everything and probably will until June. As per my standard operating procedure, I did not ride outside but did go to the gym for my cardio and strength training. It was pretty uneventful other than seeing one of the many characters I have come to encounter (or make up in my mind based on their appearance alone) each visit… today it was the Lesbian Mafioso.

Who is she? Hell, I don’t know, what I do know is that I spent my first few visits assuming she was a 50-year-old man. I’m not trying to be a dick or rude, I just thought she was a dude with a mullet and a track suit. Turns out he’s a woman, and from what I can tell, based on recently seeing her at the grocery store with her kids, NOT a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I also have my doubts that she’s in the Mafia but if you don’t want to be stereotyped as such, don’t drive a Cadillac and wear track suits while looking like a high school gym teacher circa 1989.  How do I creepily know so much about her? Easy, she pulled into the gym parking lot the same time I did one day driving a Cadillac and she always wears track suits.

All this makes me sound like I am nebby, prejudice, judgemental and homophobic doesn’t it? I swear, all this is in jest, not to mention if you would see her, you too would think that she’s a lesbian Good Fella. OK, forget all that, I am grasping at straws for something to write about. I guess I could talk about my past history of not doing stuff or not doing enough to make me a better bike rider or racer? OK, I will…

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I have done in the past and how I got to be so void of bike racing talent. Not that I have EVER been successful as a bike rider/racer but I have been fit and fitter in the past. So via old blog posts, I’m going to take a look at just what the hell I did today, December 11th (or to the closest to today’s date) over the past 9 years (2013 already covered above) that made me fitter. It seems I didn’t do much.

9 Years of Slack (Do NOT do what I do!)

Sunday, December 11, 2005: An off day spent the day at my Dad’s house, not riding and being driven crazy by my [then very young] nephews. I also thought about going to Wisconsin for 24 Hour Nationals [I didn’t], lamented why the fuck I lift weights [I still don’t know], almost hurt myself breakdancing [I have no idea!] and made a big ass pasta meal out of old vegetables.

Monday, December 11, 2006: It seems this was another off day. I was hating on work [God I wish I had that shit job back!], lusted after bikes, and blathered on about how good I thought McCormick Lemon Pepper spice made my tuna recipes. Seems that was another stellar post.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007: What the fuck?? This was an off day too taken because I was feeling run down and borderline sick. I also praised my friend Tom for fixing my iPod’s hard drive [Tom could fix anything on a bike and it seems iPods too]. I also bitched about my (then) road bike’s Bontrager fork that I had to piss around with getting warrantied.

Thursday, December 11, 2008: Hey I rode!! Well, I rode the trainer!! Wait, no I didn’t. I had a 1:20 ride on the trainer scheduled but was mentally fried from work and Wifey wanted to go to the gym. She was going to take the wee B-Man, but I told her not to bother. What are the magic words I always say that makes me less than sub par? Oh year… “Fuck it.” It seems that I am just NOT meant to ride or “train” on December 11th. This post also marked one of the first times I used the phrase “When In Doubt…” This time I (not) surprisingly talked about food.

Saturday, December 12, 2009: FINALLY, a ride!! I didn’t post on the 11th but I did ride the trainer on the 10th and on the 12th I went to Boyce on the Dos Niner even though I was sick. By this time I was no longer working at the Trib and about 9 months into running XXC Magazine. For some reason B-Man told that I “always smell like bike,” whatever that means.

Saturday, December 11th, 2010: Holy shit, I am in Michigan now! I rode at MMCC for 2:20 on my fat bike (that being my El Mariachi 29er). It wasn’t the best by any means, but I did something for 2:20 (unlike many of the other December 11ths). Not sure I remember the last time I did ANYthing for over two hours without paying for it. This was one of many posts that I questioned the quality of the ever sucking Avid Juicy Ultimates brakes.

Saturday, December 10th, 2011: I was lying low on the blogging this week but did ride at MMCC on the 10th and hard ridden some dirt roads that week. I also blathered about how we didn’t have any snow here in MP yet. Wish I could say that now.

Look, it’s a MUCH smaller Jake The Dog from 2011 getting into my empties

Tuesday, December 11th, 2012: From the posts surrounding the day it seems I was not surprisingly for me, wallowing in a depression. While (SHOCKINGLY!) didn’t ride on the 11th I did sign up for the 2013 Barry-Roubaix and talked about why bike racing is like crack…

I suppose bike racing is sort of like crack: It costs money, feels good, wrecks your body, makes you feel like a million bucks, makes you feel like shit, forces you to do things you probably wouldn’t/couldn’t normally do, increases your heart rate, can cause muscle spasms & convulsions, is highly addictive and even though your body says “enough is enough you dang fool igit” you still find yourself doing it again because you need one more high and think the next one will SURELY be the one to deliver. Or kill you me.

Wednesday, Decmeber 11th, 2013: (see top of page)

Wow! That is a pretty lackluster collection of posts from the past 9 years. Ug! Like I said, don’t do what I do! Whatever I say or do, DO THE OPPOSITE!!

If you read all this, you have my apologies, I really have nothing right now. Thinking about maybe forcing myself out on the snow covered dirt roads tomorrow if I can figure out how to avoid the ice covered pavement in town, so as to avoid my body–which is hopped up on blood thinners–from hitting the frozen pavement and ending up looking like [THIS] again. Black and blue with an arm swollen up twice its normal size. Maybe I’ll have some pictures or something tomorrow. Fuck it, maybe I’ll just start posting porn, that seems easier.