The Wurst In Me


Sunday night as I prepared to watch the emotional roller coaster that was the US vs Portugal match, I put down my burger spatula, picked up my wiener tongs (NOT to be confused with wiener tongues! Thank you spell check for helping me avoid some awkward page hits from folks looking for something a bit different) and grilled up some bräts.

Because I am too impatient to grill low and slow, I’ve never had a ton of success with grilling brätwurst. UNTIL I started using the grill/hot tub brät machine method (nothing more palatable than the thought of a hot tub filled with warm beer, floating brätwurst and onions).

The original idea is to grill your bräts then add them to a warm tub of onions and beer to keep them warm for people too rude to arrive at your cookout on time or for pigs like me that will probably eat six servings over the course of the evening.

That method is fine, my method is a bit differing however:

  1. Using a small pan*, sauté some onions with a bit of olive oil until tender
  2. Turn down heat and add about a half a bottle of beer (cheap lager or IPA works just fine, I didn’t have any, so I used a half bottle of session IPA that I was less than thrilled with.
  3. Grill up the brätwurst until they are right on the edge of splitting open and ejaculating fatty, flame inducing grease all over the grill, nearly burning your nasty, too long, 43 year old eyebrows off.
  4. Remove bräts from grill and add them to the beer and onion hot tub mixture.
  5. Turn up the heat and simmer for a few minutes in the onion and beer flavored goodness. This adds flavor, cooks them through and prevents any unwanted illnesses, bowl spackling, vomit, etc., etc.,
  6. When cooked through, you can either remove from heat and serve or turn the heat way down and keep them warm for those rude friends and gluttons mentioned earlier in this post.
  7. Using your wiener tongues tongs place brät on a sausage roll and top with some cooked onions, mustard and /or topping(s) of your choice. Repeat as needed while drinking four to eight IPAs as you watch your country’s football team work their asses off to obtain a lead against the number four ranked team in the world, in a match that would send them to the next stage of the World Cup, but LOSE it in the final seconds of stoppage time, ending in a 2-2 draw which now forces them to  win or draw against Germany (sadly my pick to win it all) on Thursday in order to advance in the World Cup**.

*I PREFER to actually do all this on the grill, but the small pan I use on the grill shit the bed over the winter, so until I find a new one, I split my time between the grill and stove top.

**There are some scenarios in which the USMNT can lose on Thursday and still advance in the tournament, but I hope it doesn’t come to all that math and praying. Also, the irony that I was grilling up German sausages and now the USMNT has a do or (pretty much) die match against Germany, the U.S. has a few players with duo German/American citizenship on the team and a German manager, is not lost on me. Then again, that might not be irony, it might just be a coincidence. In any event, I will be grilling up bräts for lunch on Thursday, ’cause it brought the U.S. enough good luck to draw on Sunday and that is ALL they need come Thursday.




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