Last week I was putzing around in woods and realized that most of the photos I take of the trails I ride look like smooth ribbons of easy riding dirt. So, I got down and took a few shots of the trail to highlight why I so often opt for my full suspension bike.
As you can see I’m not talking about trying to smooth out Pennsylvania mountain rock gardens or technical descents, I’m simply talking about the ability to ride smoothly over trails that so often appear to be smooth and buff (and thankfully are in some places) but upon closer inspection beat my 43-year-old body up without the aid of some sort of suspension.
It was during this impromptu photo shoot that I starting rapping with the trail. Before I knew it, snapping a photo turned into a short interview that gave me a little insight into the life of the trail I ride so much, and you an insight into me losing my mind.
SC: Hey trail, what’s going on?
Trail: Just hanging out being all earthly and terra firma like.
SC: I sure do enjoy riding on you, what’s it like being a mountain bike trail?
Trail: It’s pretty cool. It beats getting dug up to become this country’s eight-billionth strip mall. People are out, enjoying what I have to offer, which in this case is a rocky, rooty, trail of dirt through the woods.
SC: I sure do appreciate you being here. You don’t mind being a mountain bike trail oppose to being just a hiking trail, or even just open unused forest, do you?
Trail: Hell no! The earth I’m made from is like 4.5 billion years old, it’s been through a hell of a lot over those years and will be through a hell of a lot more long after the bikers, hikers and the rest of you humans are gone. The mountain bikers really aren’t all that different from the hikers, maybe just a tad less wispy. As a trail people are enjoying what I have to offer, having fun and keeping themselves in reasonably good health, I don’t care if they’re on bikes or on foot. At least I haven’t been designated “wilderness” and been made off-limits to many of you. That would suck… just sitting here, doing nothing. What good is that?? Like I alluded to earlier, I will outlive you all, so have fun while you’re here, I’ll get by. Don’t clear-cut and pillage, but enjoy the fun that comes from playing in the dirt.
SC: What are some of the things that chap your ass?
Trail: Well, I am not a fan of water bottles. You know, the sort you buy in a mini-mart because you think your tap water isn’t good enough, not the reusable kind most mountain bikers fill up and use. So many of you just toss them here and there like they’ll just find their own way to a garbage can. Idiots. Those plastic water bottles are possibly the only thing that will outlive me. I can’t say I am keen on racer types throwing down gel packs either… is that what they are, gel packs? Seems dumb, but anyway, these riders suck down this stuff that looks like sugary diarrhea, then just toss these foil packets down on me, usually during races. Thankfully, on occasion, folks will come along and pick them up, but for the most part they just lay there making me look bad. Jerks.
SC: Aside from the litter, is there anything else that we can do to be better trail users?
Trail: First, to hell with the horses… they are good in some areas but when you mix bikers, hikers, runners, AND horses together, they just screw my shit up. Not to mention their shit stinks…. Like WAY worse than deer shit. Also, stop skidding on me!! Yeah, I know it can happen sometimes, but so often these hot-shot bikers overshoot a corner, lock up their brakes and dig scars into me. I mean, would you like ME coming up to you and gouging a knife into your back or some such thing?? I doubt, so stop it.
I know this particular trail drains well, it’s fun and sometimes unavoidable, but I can’t say I’m a huge fan of you all riding me after heavy rains either, however I also know that I can heal myself in time, even faster with some kind work from some of those friendly trails stewards. Riding bikes on trails when it’s super muddy is sort of like kicking a boxer in the gut when he’s been knocked down. Isn’t knocking him down enough? Apparently not for some of you. Oh well, there are worse things, just use some common sense.
SC: OK, It’s been cool chatting with you, but I’m not gonna lie. I feel REALLY stupid laying here in the middle of the trail, “talking” to you, and feel like this just might be me having a complete nervous breakdown. I will try to relay some of your comments to my readers, but I have to tell you, there aren’t many. Just my wife, a friend or two and a couple of psychopaths.
Trail: No worries, it’s been nice talking to someone, even if it was just you… No offense. Just let your readers know that I enjoy being used. I’m not dying or depressed from being used and ridden hard, I’m dirt, I love this stuff. Keep using me, it keeps those strip malls and the fat ass “developers” away from me. I hope I didn’t come off sounding too cranky, I was just being honest. I really do enjoy being a mountain bike trail.
SC: Ha! No offense taken. I’ll do what I can. Thanks for talking to me and for, you know, being a trail.
Trail: No worries, I really have nothing else to do…. seriously… like NOTHING else to do.
SC: See you soon.