There are days when riding my bike in the bitter cold, ice, snow and relentless winds of a middle Michigan winter makes me want to fellatiate a loaded .45. However there is one thing in the back of my mind (other than the handgun fellatiating) during those cold winter rides– days like today.

There was not much more I could ask for from today’s ride; it was warm (in the 60s), sunny, with a brilliant blue sky and little to no wind. On top of that I had pretty much nothing much to do today. So instead of skulking around the house trying to be positive about possibly reentering the workforce as a 43-year-old McDonald’s “crew member”  in the future, I said “fuck it,” got on my bike and went for what I hoped would be fifty miles of dirt roads, gravel and pavement.


I started out in arm and knee warmers but after just six miles, I pulled over and stripped ’em off. Once again my sagging grandma arms and paper white legs were unleashed upon rural Michigan.


Along the first stretch of pot-hole riddled dirt roads, I actually passed a big ass pick up truck that was picking its way through the bombed out dirt road like its suspension was made of sticks or something. Too bad I took that “You just got passed by a fat dude on bike” bumper sticker off the Jake (the snake).


Spring is definitely turning on the power here in Michiganderburgh; grass is turning green, colorful bee boxes are poised and ready to unleash pollinating fury and from the deafening sound of the frogs coming from the marshes and swamps, I half expect to be overrun with the critters O.T. style.


Looks like someone has made the move from Popov to Black Velvet.

After several miles of dirt it was onto a long stretch of nice rolling pavement with a few hills thrown in. Coming down one hill I thought I heard someone behind me laying on their horn. Turns out the sound was coming from bike! I pulled over, looked things over, checked the wheels, the brakes, etc., Started off and there it was again. I stopped again, pretended that I knew what I was looking for, said “fuck it” and rode off. Never happened again during the ride.

It was right around that time that I saw what I believe to be the scariest pig in the world…


It’s like half bear/half pig, with a little bit of Jake (the dog) thrown in just to freak me out even more. I have no doubt that I will have nightmares about this creature tonight.


Once the pavement ended it was a right turn onto a couple miles of brand new, fresh off the truck dirt. Thankfully this stretch isn’t that long, because I was fish tailing all over the place and working my ass off to get up those hills you see off in the distance.


Another dirt road hump shack was bagged.

Other than the mystery noise incident, today’s ride was one of the best times I have on a bike in a long time. My legs felt good, I felt good and the weather was perfect. The only downside was that I once again failed to reach my 50 mile goal. I really thought I tacked on enough today but fell short at 48.6 miles split nearly 50/50 between dirt and pavement.

I no way am I going to complain about riding 48.6 miles and feeling good the whole time. Or about getting in the amount of time that I have been able to roll the past four days. If nothing else it’s finally starting to knock a few pounds off my beer belly. Just a few!! But I am hopeful for more my time on the bike increases.


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