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The Non Ride Ride

By on May 3, 2014 in Cycling, Random

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I woke up at 7 this morning to the sound of more rain pelting the windows. So, I rolled over and went back to sleep. An hour later the rain was slowing down, so I forced myself out of bed and downstairs to drink some coffee, watch some sub-par football and make sure Jake (the dog) didn’t shit the house.

As I ushered Jake off the porch I cursed the continued rain and chilly temps and conceded that I would most likely end up on the trainer today. Shit.

After a match and half of football, breakfast, about 200 ounces of coffee and multiple colon evacuations, I got caught up reading some stuff about the Giro online (maybe the greatest stage race of all time). Rain be damned, I was going for a ride!

I checked the radar (it looked like I would be OK), hurriedly got my gear together, kitted up and grabbed my cross bike. I would be road riding but my road bike is still on the trainer with a nasty ass, ever balding rear tire, so the Jake would have to do. I took off down the road and I just didn’t feel right on the bike. I pedaled to the edge of town and realized my saddle was a bit too low. Shit.

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A Long Time

By on May 1, 2014 in Cycling

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Today’s short ride was a long time coming. Yikes! I hadn’t been on the bike since last Saturday’s Rust Shaker XC race. A combination of windy, cold, rainy, vile weather, B-Man’s soccer, strength training in the gym and general malaise (e.g.. laying in bed praying for the end of my days) from dealing with my continued unemployment and lack of societal contribution got in the way. Hey, this is what separates the Pros, neo-Pros, fast peeps and slow, depressive fat fucktards like me.

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An Unexpected Detour

By on March 26, 2014 in Cycling

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I debated back and forth whether to go for a ride or not today. The weather LOOKED beautiful; sun, blue sky and a light breeze. Very spring-like. The only thing missing was the spring-like temperature. I think when I headed out the door it was less than 20˚.  To say I was less than thrilled to ride in such temps (yet again) would be an understatement. But the prospect of the trainer was just NOT that appealing and since I gotz handfuls of fat that need to be burned off ASAP, that meant layering up–yet again–for a ride in cold ass temps.

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Back To Racing (Sort of)

By on March 23, 2014 in Cycling, Mountain Biking

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As I drank a couple of beers late last Saturday afternoon I somehow convinced myself to go ahead and enter the Barry-Roubaix’s 36 mile race, a distance– at the time of entering–roughly 15 miles longer than any ride I had done in 2014 due to the relentless and brutal winter we’ve had. It would also be only my second ride not to be completed on fat bike this calendar year. “This could be bad for me, but other than a few out-of-staters, everyone else will be in the same frigid, snow, ice and shit filled boat as me,” I thought as entered my credit card information and took the final draw from my pint of Founder’s Imperial Stout. So let it be done… it’s God’s will… it is what it is. Pffft! Whatever, it’s just bike ridin’.

And with that, I now give you yet another race ride report, in a long history of Soiled Chamois race reports, that didn’t need to be written…

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Fat-ish… Spring-ish?

By on March 16, 2014 in Mountain Biking, Random

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It seems like forever since there’s been a legit blog post about me actually riding my bike (probably for the best as far as readers are concerned). There were a couple of days here and there that I may have been able to squeeze a ride in, but scheduling conflicts and/or weather fronts jacked my chances.

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Unlikely Inspirations

By on March 8, 2014 in Cycling, Random

This week has been a strange one as far as me  “doing stuff.”  Sadly, it only allowed me one day of “real” riding: Wednesday’s hour and a half fat bike ride. The rest of the week has been a hodgepodge of trips to the gym and time spent on the trainer. Not the best of weeks, but better than many I’ve had.

I was up early today and had no problem convincing myself to get on the trainer.* The problem I had was actually forcing myself to pedal the bike on the trainer. The first minutes of my warm up were spent cursing the vile winter for forcing me to the trainer again and my belly which was bouncing off my legs like a gelatinous, beer filled, lycra covered sack with each pedal stroke. Cuss me! CUSS ME TO HELL! (or reasonable facsimile).

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Ridin’ Bikes is Swell

By on March 5, 2014 in Cycling, Mountain Biking

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After mentally cracking for what may have been the 84th time in my life last week and vowing to spend the rest of this godforsaken endless winter under beer fueled fart smelling blankets in a curtains closed bedroom, I pulled up my grown fat man bibs and forced myself out into the snow to ride today. I have to say it was worth every second of the 21 minutes it took me to stuff my fat ass into three layers of cycling and cold weather gear.

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Spinning & Feeling Kneady

By on March 2, 2014 in Cat 5 Cooking, Random

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The stationary trainer is a strange beast. Hated by almost everyone and used by nearly as many, it allows for nothing but the vaguest feeling of actually riding your bike. In my opinion it’s WAY worse than running on a treadmill. Running sucks whether you are being chased by a gang of unruly thugs, doing a 5K, a marathon or on the treadmill at the gym… it just sucks. I respect and admire the folks who do it and enjoy it, but it sucks. When I do it, it hurts, it feels dumb and  I ALWAYS think “this would be SO much better if I was on my bike.”

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