When I Say Jeans I Mean…


Lord, fashion father almighty, forgive me for I have sinned against you and the Fashion Commandments that you have set forth before thee… in particular Commandment IX: Thou Shalt Not Wear Wrangler Jeans, They’re for Squares and Cowboys. I’m sorry my narcissistic fashion father, but I gotta tell you, they feel good and I’m sure I’ll do it again!

My faithful three readers, I also ask you for forgiveness, because I am about to bore you with yet another post that is 98.5% void of cycling and 98.5% about a pair of jeans that has me and my thighs a tad geeked.

I was a “husky” kid. To me that is 1980’s speak for fat, but in reality I didn’t really get “fat” until I was in high school; I was just a big kid. As a youth I played a lot of soccer and I have no doubt that all that running combined with my inherent huskiness contributed to the development of my thighs. Even at twelve years old I was having a tough time finding room in the thighs of my jeans and pants.

Then I got fat in my teens and started buying giant, big ass pants and jeans from the big man’s department at JCPenney. If you’ve never been fat, you probably don’t know, but size 42 pants are pretty damn roomy in the thighs, waist… ass… ankles… calves…

Is this about my muscular thick thighs? —Chazz Michael Michaels

Then in my early twenties I FINALLY lost weight and discovered cycling. The perfect sport for those of us seeking to endure mockery, misunderstanding and road rage from 99% of the American public AND looking to experience countless failed attempts at buying jeans due to overdeveloped quads (except for those elven climber types, but most of them have proved to be doped to the gills, along with having physiques resembling that of a nine year old boy, so who cares about them anyway).

I know I’m not the only one that has dealt with the thick thigh issue, recently there was even a successful Kickstarter campaign by Keirin Cut Jeans to develop jeans just for cyclists, soccer players and people who do sports that aren’t quite as cool as those two, but still tend to develop thick thighs. Bravo!!

I thought I found heaven when I discovered Levis 569 jeans. They are stylish (enough), super comfy and have plenty of room in the thighs. They really are awesome and well made. The only problem is that there might be TOO much room in them, and that can sometimes lead to the dreaded “dump sack” (that saggy ass seat that makes you look like you just shit yourself or like your overweight, 73 year old father).

While I am by no means trying to promote a brand of jeans or take anything away from the cool stuff the people at Keirin have come up with, for the budget minded thick thighed folk among us I have to recommend Wrangler Advanced Comfort Fit Jeans.

Yes, Wrangler. The choice of cowboys and squares everywhere. You know what I say? Fuck it! They’re normal fitting, they have some wonderful flex to them (thanks to the addition of 1% Lycra to the denim), they don’t make you look like a baggy, unmade bed that just shit yourself, and best of all they cost less than twenty-five bucks (depending on where you buy them at).

What, you can’t be seen wearing Wrangler jeans? First, get the fuck over yourself, then go buy a pair and rip the fucking tag off. I bet not one of your PBR swill drinking, fixie riding, hipster friends will know you’re sporting Wranglers.

Or you could always buy yourself a pair of jeans from Rapha. Jeans that claim to be the “definitive cycling jeans.” Jeans that are “milled” in Italy, made with Elastane yarns (not that white trash Lycra shit) and cost a mere $220.00 a pair. Yeah, you know what, I’m pretty comfortable spending $20 at Target on some Wranglers and using that extra $200 in cash for stuff like parts, race entries, beer or if I have to my kid’s school tuition.

With that said, do note, I bought a full size lower than my regular size to get the optimal fit. Best try them on or save that receipt to be safe. Also note that these are NOT Jeggings. Jesus H. do your really thing I could wear those fucking things??? Then again…

You know what, maybe I do feel like “one tough customer” when I wear my Wranglers! OK, that might be a stretch but at least I’m not someone who spent $220 on a pair of fucking jeans. Morons.


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