This is my last post of 2022. A year-end wrap-up post, if you will. Almost all of it has to do with crawling out from the rock of depression I’ve been living under for the past couple of years. Read if you want, or don’t.
First, a recap of the past few years.
2020
2020 sucked for just about everyone. No use in talking about it other than I was a little too happy about not having to see people or leave the house for anything other than groceries, photo creeps, hikes, or rides.
2021
2021 was supposed to be everyone’s comeback year. It wasn’t, at least not for me. I REALLY wanted to get back to having fun riding my bike again and lose some weight, and the first step I took in that process was to work with my doctor to wean off the weight-packing antidepressant I was on.
Bad move.
After feeling the first month or two of energy and increased libido flowing through my veins, I soon found myself on short walks in the woods alone, fighting back tears of unknown origin, and by the end of October, I put my bike in the garage and haven’t touched it since. And by Thanksgiving, I was on the horn to Mindbender II, The Wrath of Kahn, to have a prescription called in that would get me through until we could meet in January of 2022. [EDIT: That makes me sound like some sort of junkie. It wasn’t that, it was knowing it could take days/weeks for me to start feeling “less depressed” again, and the way I felt going into Thanksgiving was my clue.]
This looks like I’m standing in a puddle of my own urine.
2022
Mid-January, I saw Mindbender II (TWOK) and started a new to me medicine that everyone in the fucking world has seemingly been on at one point or another with success. Everyone except me. FUCK!
We tried a couple different things, but nothing seemed to jive with me, and the next six to seven months would be a repeat of the last months of 2021; mentally exhausted, irritable, pissy, moody, dark, and depressed.
In March, I did return to the gym for Operation Peck Lift III, but I hardly enjoyed it, and I can’t say I felt all that great. More often than not, I opted for long sleepless naps staring at the ceiling fan on beautiful spring and early summer days, wondering what was happening in the outside world.
I returned to “Kahn” in the summer and told her, “shit ain’t workin’.” To which she said it was, and I said it wasn’t. We did this dance for 45 minutes, and I told her I wanted to return to the SSRI I had been on for years, including way back in 2009 when I had arguably my best endurance racing season, completing four N.U.E. 100 races, amongst several others.
She eventually conceded, and I started back on a meager 10mg SSRI again, despite its reputation for weight gain. “Fuck it, at this point, I would rather be fat, active, and not depressed than a skinny irritable asshole.” I thought. For the record, Kahn has been replaced Mindbender III, A New Hope. The critics are raving.
Through the late summer, things got a little better, and I started to feel the motivation and the want to be outside “doing stuff” again. No, not on the bike and not my casual mile-to-two-mile photo creeps; I wanted to push myself again, make myself suffer, and do it on foot. Since I KNOW I can’t run worth a shit, I decided to start hiking in the woods.
Sadly, I DID suffer by pushing my out-of-shape body too far too soon, and some fails in the footwear department. I somehow maintained motivation through that dip, and finally, by mid-September, September 19th to be exact, I started what is now known as the 2022 Not Dead Yet Comeback Special.
The 22NDYCS consists of hiking a minimum of 4 miles, 5 to 7 days a week, with a minimum goal of 25 miles a week. Some days I “rage hike” at a strong pace close to a jog; some days, I walk briskly and hit as many uphill grunts as possible, and some days I chill. Recently, I even strapped-on snowshoes for some shorter but demanding stomps.
Since I started, I have walked in heat and humidity, cold rains, blowing ice and snow, and everything in between. I get annoyed when I miss a day and even more annoyed when I miss a day due to a stupid injury that was my own damn fault! I have learned to embrace shit weather like I never did on the bike. I think that might have something to do with not worrying about destroying expensive drivetrains and brake pads!
The river was frozen just a few days ago.
So, I hike, take increasingly shittier photos along the way, sweat, and feel good for the rest of the day. While I still refuse to weigh myself, some clothes fit better, some nagging overuse injuries from cycling have cleared up, and I’m eating way better than I was over the summer. I still enjoy too many beers, but as the French say, C’est la putain de vie.
I will continue this project with the yet-to-be-named (thought of) 2023 Not Dead Yet Tour and maybe revisit cycling when the weather warms up. Or not; I’m my own bossman. I also need to start scheduling in some photo creeps ’cause I’m losing my edge, man. I will also continue to meet with the O.G. Mindbender as well as attempt to shrink my Lex-A-Pot-Belly™.
Stats from the 2022 Not Dead Yet Comeback Special:
Total Hikes: 88 (September 19 to December 31)1
Total Distance: 365.46 miles
Average Distance Per Hike: 4.15 miles
If you read this far, cheers and happy new year. I hope it doesn’t suck.
And because you have read this far, you are privy to my 2023 New Year’s resolution; NOT to write about ANYTHING to do with my anxiety or depression. No depressive mind-funk rants, no feeling sorry for my dumb ass, and no excuses. I sort of don’t know what I WILL write about, but we’ll cross that broken bridge when we get to it.
Also, I have an issue with my hosting account and need to change it. So at some point in January, this fish wrap might be down for a bit during migration.
Later.
THE SOILED SOUNDS TRACK OF THE POST
It’s New Year’s, make yourself a big ass mix of banger, drink some good beer, make some food, don’t be a dick, and don’t kill anyone. Hmm, sound advice for any day of the year in my opinion.