Today kicks off firearms deer season here in Michigan. That means that people such as myself who lumber around the woods in the early morning have to use extra caution so as not to have our chests ripped open by a Super Shock Tip bullet (I hear they’re killer!)
There are, of course, many other “seasons” to harvest (kill) a deer. There’s Private Land Hunting, Archery, Muzzle Loading, and a few others that are often overlooked.
For example, Stalk and Shame Season runs from October 1st until December 1st statewide and requires hunters to stalk a deer and repeatedly hurl personal insults, shame, and retellings of past failures in the direction of the animal from close range until it inevitably becomes so depressed that it takes its own life, saving the hunter from ever using a weapon. This season is targeted at Does and weak Fawns, but the occasional Buck has been known to be felled if the right amount of gaslighting is used or if you repeatedly question its sexuality and threaten to out him. It is the only hunting season not to be endorsed by the NRA, but it does receive approval from The National Narcissistic Personality Disorder Association and the Republican National Committee.
Roofie Season is open (private property only) from November 1st until December 1st. Hunters are permitted to bait using large doses of DNR-approved Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol) and Great Value (Walmart) Moscato to sedate the deer to the point of passing out, then harvest it by whatever process the hunter finds most pleasurable. This is Doe only, of course, and only open to Male hunters, 18 and older, or with a note from a parent. Multiple tags are available pending proof of past or current college fraternity membership (Kappa Alpha Psi forever, dude!). There is an amendment in the works that would prevent hunters from sexually assaulting the deer if they desire, but rumor has it will never pass. Not to mention, you’re a white dude; you got this!
Let Your Kid Kill Something Season is open from November 1st until December 31st statewide and runs congruently with Let Your Kid Watch You Kill Something Season. This season is aimed at getting your child interested in the beauty of firearms early, learning about their 2nd Amendment rights, old-fashioned family values, and the wonderment of experiencing and or watching an animal’s body be ripped open by a bullet shot from a high-powered rifle. This season is extremely popular with retailers due to the overlap with the holiday season, and kids love it because, if successful, after the deer is logged and tagged, they receive a “Nice Kill, Champ!” patch to put on their Realtree jacket. Additionally, children learn the art of rapid reloading firsthand from a trusted parent so as to make their return to school after the holiday break a successful one with less ammunition wasted.
Finally, we have “Accidentally” Shoot Your Friend In The Face Season. This season requires hunters to purchase an extra tag for their license, but if successful, the DNR will refund the cost and will also provide access to an NRA-endorsed attorney to defend you, as well as reimburse hunters for any wasted ammunition lost during the alleged “accident,” along with any court costs accrued. Please note that this season is not limited to just friends. Wives, lovers, kids, parents, grandparents, and siblings are also welcome to be “accidentally” harvested with the very same license.
HAPPY HUNTING!
I hope you enjoyed this look into Michigan’s little-known deer seasons. Remember, be safe out there, and make sure to pack lots of medical gauze in case you need to plug a sucking chest wound like you’re a fucking ER doc.
Later.
DISCLAIMER: This is pure satire. I don’t have anything against hunters or hunting; it needs to be done lest we be overrun with critters and disease. I personally have never hunted or ever intend to as long as I have access to a grocery store, but that’s just me. Hell, I’m 53 years old and have never fired or even held a gun, nor have I ever wanted to. I remember shooting a BB gun when I was a kid, and sadly, in 1991, I was shot in the arm while attending art school in Pittsburgh. Of course, the bullet was a pretzel nugget shot from my roommate’s paintball gun, but the horror and trauma of wasted salty snacks and spilled Busch Light lost in the chaos and turmoil remains. Never forget!!!
Seriously, keep your head down.
Later.