This week, due to some home improvement duties, I was thrown multiple C-blocks in my bid to get in a 25-mile hiking week, but I somehow managed to get it done again in just four days, even with a couple days being 90˚ and humid before things cooled off. Hazah!
And with Labor Day and Fat Guy Summer now behind me and the days (actually 7 months) of darkness, cold temps, winter slop, and snow, if we’re lucky, around the corner, I have set my eyes on mental survival. Yes, I know that sounds hyperbolic, but that’s how my mind rolls: in extreme waves of perceived and actual misery, 24 hours a day.
THE SOILED CHAMOIS 5-STEP PROGRAM FOR WINTER SURVIVAL THAT I PROBABLY WON’T ADHERE TO, BUT SOUND LIKE GOOD IDEAS
STEP ONE: KEEP ON KEEPING ON, AND KEEP ON DOING IT OUTSIDE
This is one I committed to last year, and barring significant injury or unforeseen violent death, I will continue the 2023 Soil The Woods Tour throughout the coming months and into 2024 with a yet-to-be-christened stupid name for the woodsy lumbering and repetitive mild outdoor adventures I do.
Last winter’s lumpy snow and ice almost killed my feet before I finally committing to trekking poles, snowshoes when necessary, and more supportive hiking boots rather than trail runners or GORE-TEX hiking shoes. And when spring’s endless freeze/thaw cycle hit, legit traction spikes were strapped on to stay upright. Outside is the best, but one must adapt. Like a goldfish adapts to its life and inevitable death alone in an 8″ round bowl.
Also, if you’re keeping track, I believe it was around this time last year that I gave up Operation Peck Lift III in the gym for hiking in the woods, and I’ve never been happier. I know; hard to believe I don’t miss lifting heavy things for no reason and lumbering on the treadmill going nowhere while averting my aged eyes from passing booty pumps and the row of T.V.s with today’s political propaganda playing on Fox News [DEMS HUSH ON HUNTER BIDEN LUNCH ORDER!!] and Steven A. Smith ranting about LeBron vs Jordan on ESPN [I’m pretty sure that’s all I have ever seen S.A.S. talk about].
STEP TWO: KEEP ON KEEPING ON, DO IT OUTSIDE, AND CHANGE THINGS UP IF NEEDED, YOU DOPE
I now find myself a bit lighter than this time last year, which means I am more confident about adding some additional outdoor activities into my routine. It’s been about 9 years or so since I’ve been out XC skiing, and this year, if/when we get snow, I am ready to strap on some skis and do my best version of cross-country skiing, which is sort of like my lumbering but more unsightly, less efficient, and sweatier before becoming colder. But still fun. We’ll see; I may just start sled riding again.
STEP THREE: SLEEP LIKE IT’S JUNE
The short, sunless days and long, dark nights are among my biggest complaints about the Michigan winters. I love the early sunrises of June and July and the energy they bring. So, this year, I’m going to experiment with a sunlight alarm clock that allegedly mimics the sunrise times of my choosing with light to match. This is huge because there are some months (Looking at you, January) that even once the sun rises, the clouds hang low and dark over Michigan like a cold, wet, miserable blanket stained with cow feces. I only have two nights in with the clock, and the 2nd morning was ruined by Jake (the dog) yelping to be carried outside to pee as the fake sun rose, but so far I dig it.
STEP FOUR: GET AWAY FROM THE SLOP
Besides two 2-day getaways in January 2022 and July 2022, I haven’t been on “vacation” since we went to Jamaica in winter 2019. It doesn’t have to be that spectacular, just someplace less likely for me to think about taking a rope to the attic.
Beach crab (not me) circa February 2019.
Having said that, this is hard for me because I am not all that keen on going anywhere anymore, and in the winter, I want to go someplace warmer, which means going South, which I am generally opposed to basically any state below the Mason-Dixon line, and even that can be a bit too south these days [if you’re from the south and reading this, it’s most likely not you]. However, I am not ruling out the Southwest (which also has nut jobs but less humidity) or, even better, Mexico or the Caribbean, where the chances of seeing a MAGA hat are few and the ocean breeze doesn’t smell like deep-fried everything, and historical ignorance.
STEP FIVE: REMEMBER, TIME STANDS STILL FOR NO MAN (OR WHATEVER SHELL OF ONE I’VE BECOME).
And lastly, I need to remember that late fall, winter, late winter, and early spring are just 7 months of the year; I can do it! Yes, I hate it, but I’ve lived 52 years hating myself and am getting through that; I can do 7 months. And who knows, with the rate at which climate change is destroying life as we know it, Michigan will be Tennessee in a couple of years, so I’ll have to move further north. HELLO HEYDEN, ONTARIO!!
I’m sure there are better ways to fight winter depression, boredom, darkness, and cold, but these five, combined with comfort food like the homemade halušky below, continued therapy, and 10mg Lexapro, should help me get to late May alive.
Halušky to soothe the bohunk soul.
Later.