Goofiness and Pro Tips

This post is LONG and it has nothing to do with cycling. This is pretty much the stuff that goes on in my mind ALL THE TIME, and it comes out in the form of a crap post like this when I’m not kept busy doing stuff.

It should come as no surprise that I did NOT make it out to ride yesterday. The sun was out, the sky was blue, but the air was cold and I said “nahhh.”

In fact, between the various duties and tasks that Monday brought I found no motivation to do stuff1. I did go to Sam’s Club and lift heavy cases of things into the cart, I wonder if that counts?

This week, Wifey is heading out-of-town to be part of a .GOV training film that she was involved with producing. Despite my vast lack of experience and knowledge, I thought it wise to offer a few tips and mansplain some things to her about being in films.

1. Become the character.

Total submersion into character is the only way to make this film believable. She attempted to point out that she was not playing a character, she was just being herself. “NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!” I bellowed. I pointed out to her how that is no way to make this film and that if the director insisted on it she should throw a fit and walk off set, refusing to take part until things were seen her way.

Just being a well spoken, smart, intelligent woman is absolutely NO WAY to hold an audience’s attention. I encouraged her to unbutton a few buttons of her blouse, get a little bit psycho, and do what she could to add some sexual tension to the role, leaving the audience unsure just where each scene will end up.

2. Do what you need to do to relax and/or get up for the role.

Next I pointed out to Wifey that being relaxed— yet still up for the role—is super important, and to do whatever she needed to do to make it happen. I encouraged her to maybe have a drink or four before arriving on set, and if a production assistant offers her a bump of coke or a few tokes of a joint, by all means, take it. She attempted to point out that there would be no drugs or alcohol on set whatsoever, and that if there were to be any, she would be fired. “NONSENSE!” I yelled. ” Drugs and alcohol are the only things that get people through their days as they ride the slow, mundane conveyor belt of miserableness towards their inevitable death!! How can you be expected to work, let alone perform your craft, without some sort of aid??”

Wifey continued to disagree and attempted to point out that I may be the one with the issues, not her, nor the rest of the world. I gently hushed her and told her to just remember what I said when she arrives on set. Then the morning of her flight I slipped a bottle of Wild Turkey into her suitcase just in case. You’re welcome, girl.

3. Location. Location. Location.

This last one is more just a common sense tip but I thought it best to share it with her.

This is Wifey’s first film role, and I know that it can be pretty easy to get caught up in all the glitter and excitement of movie making, as well as the creative process. I made sure to mention to her that if she arrives on set and finds that it’s a Motel 6 in West Baltimore and the producers go by the name Bang Brothers, her agent JUST may have lied to her, and this “film” just might require her to do some things that she won’t even do with me. And it might involve more than one person. Who are completely naked. Except for their socks.

Wifey politely thanked me for my concern and then went on to say that while she appreciates me looking out for her, she doesn’t have an agent, she is well aware that the film is being made in a safe, secure government building, and that she is 100% certain that this is an instructional film for her agency, and very much NOT being produced by the Bang Brothers. She also added that she still won’t do those things, even with me. Ever.


Back to more regular Soiled-ness tomorrow. I hope.



  1. Ride, run, strength train, etc., etc.

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