Locker Room Randomness


A cold and blustery, grey Monday morning had me returning to the gym for an hour and a half sweat-fest. Believe me, my workouts are no big deal and I have nothing to write about, so I thought I would share one of the random conversations I so often find myself drawn into. Today’s just happened to take place in the locker room of my gym (Maury Ballstein’s) with two random naked Silver Sneakers.

With that, I present to you…

Locker Room Randomness Act 1

Curtain rises and I enter the Maury Ballstein Fitness Center men’s locker room.

Naked Old Man #1: Hey, how’s it going?
Me: Good, thanks. You?
Naked Old Man #1: Fine, thank you.
Naked Old Man #1: Do you workout upstairs?
Me: Yeah.
Naked Old Man #1: You know it’s Katie’s birthday today.
Me: Hmmm… Not sure I know who Katie is.
Naked Old Man #2: Dark hair, wears glasses sometimes, young…
Naked Old Man #1: Real, cute.
Naked Old Man #2: Yeah, real cute, amazing smile.
Me: Oh, yeah, NOW I know who you’re talking about, she works the desk.
Naked Old Man #1: Yeah, yeah, her smile is amazing. Such white teeth!
Naked Old Man #2: Those teeth are white… So pretty. I always want to ask her if she gets them whitened, but I don’t want to embarrass her.
Naked Old Man #1: They’re ALL cute when you get to be my age.
Me: (averting eyes, hurriedly putting shoes on, faintly laughing, wanting conversation to end)
Naked Old Man #2: Well, I guess we know your eyes haven’t gone yet!
Naked Old Man #1: Ha, ha! NO! Those are working just fine.
Naked Old Man #2: Yep, it’s her birthday… turned 22… real cute…
Me: (internal monologue) God, I gotta get the hell out of here before one of these dudes gets a hard-on thinking about Katie and her teeth, I’ll just fucking die.
Me: (making exit out of the locker room, the Naked Old Men are thankfully become slightly less naked)
Semi Naked Old Man #1: Whoops.
Semi Naked Old Man #2: What’s wrong?
Semi Naked Old Man #1: I forgot to put my underwear on.
Me: (internal monologue) Christ, it’s hell getting old.

Curtain closes.

Locker Room Randomness Act 1.5

Curtain rises as I enter the fitness area and grab a towel off of the reception desk.

Katie: Good morning.
Hey there, how’s it going?
Katie: (smiling and looking just as cute and 22 as Naked Old Man #1 described) Great, how about you?
Me: Real good, thanks.
Me: (internal monologue, climbing on StairMaster) Those naked old men were right, those teeth are freaking white! 22 huh? Christ, I gotta look away!! If I get a hard-on I’ll just fucking die! Not to mention I’ll probably get thrown out of here! Hey look, The Price Is Right is on! Yeah, Drew Carey, THAT’S more like it… he’s a TOTAL mood killer. Wow, I really liked him better when he was fat and actually funny.

Curtain closes.

The End.

If you actually read this, I totally apologize.

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