Lumbered Questions

Greetings, fellow Soilers, today I bring you Reader Mail!

Why? Because I got nothing else to talk about. Yeah, I could talk more about bikes and parts like I did in the last post, but in reality, the (higher-end) retail bike biz might not even be a thing in a few months, given 2020’s perfect shit storm of COVID, factories moving due to Trump tariffs, and unforeseen consumer demand. Not to sound like a fucking QAnon Qonspiracy Qook, but if you want a bike and it’s in stock, BUY IT NOW!! Same with parts.

EDIT: Two minutes after I typed this paragraph, friend and Terry’s Cycle bossman, LC called to say he was ordering a few frames and parts to build some semi-customs while they were available, and by the time I got off the phone with him, I had an aluminum1 Stache frame and a rigid carbon fork ordered. The frame won’t be in until April, and who knows when I’ll be able to get it built up, but plans for a full rigid 29+ (AKA The Rambler II, AKA The Jack Me Off of All Trades, AKA TJMOOT, AKA The Tidgemoot) are in the works. 

A photographic rendition of the bike frame to be. ┬ęTrek, I Guess

So without further ado, here are some reader comments and questions that I haven’t actually received in recent weeks:

Roy from Colorado Springs, Colorado, writes in to say, “Fuck you, I hope you choke on a bag of man dicks.” 

HOLY SHIT! WRONG EMAIL!! Jesus Christ, Roy sounds nice.

Duncan from Rocky Point, Oregon, asks, “Seriously, how big of a fucking pussy are y…..” 

OK, OK, HOLD ON! This is bullshit!

OK, here we go, Jane from Asheville, North Carolina, asks, “What is lumbering, and when will you be touring again?” 

Hmm… I can answer the first question, but the 2nd one might have been meant for someone else. Unless you are referring to my one-man trance band, Schmutzig (See video below to hear some sick ass dope beats. Turn that shit up!), it has yet to gel, so no tours are in my future. Now on to your first question, “Lumbering” is what I do on the treadmill. Given my hulking physical stature and my life-long hatred of running, it usually starts out as a 4 MPH walk, then a 5 MPH jog, back to a walk, then some 6 and 7 MPH stuff to get my heart rate up until I hit 2 or 3 miles.

I recently talked with some running experts and exercise physiologists, and they all agreed that these treadmill exercises will do wonders in giving me the illusion of a productive workout and yield very little progress in developing as a runner or losing the extra 50+ pounds I carry around. Works for me!!

I tend to do about 6 to 10 miles a week, depending on how spanky I feel. And on the weeks that I don’t feel like digging a hole in the backyard and sitting in it until the end of time, I add in some spinning on the Zwift™ machine. These physical activities, combined with changes to my diet and a love of beer, are doing wonders to keep me Fat & Fit, Enough. I hope that answers your question, Jane.

This post was so not needed. I am off to re-heat vegan pizza for Wifey, watch FA Crap footy and get a jag on. Because, why not?


  1. Going with aluminum due to cost and the fact that I want the option for a larger front chainring.

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