Unwanted Opinions & Crap Reviews


Opinions are like people taking dumps. You really, really, really, REALLY like to think that the hot mom that smiled at you [which was probably gas] in the produce aisle while you were squeezing the way overripe, insanely priced, $2.50 a piece avocados doesn’t take at least one dump a day, but she does. Big stinky ones (unless she’s one of those shit camels, a universal term that can transcend gender but admittedly applies more to females, who can go like days at a time without a movement at all, meanwhile my cheeks are hitting the throne like seven times each morning!!).

Along with being a serial dumper, she’s probably got a whole shit ton [pardon the pun] of opinions about carbs [OMG DON’T EAT THEM!], breastfeeding [If they don’t suckle from the teet your kids will end up funny, good looking, ginger haired, straight A students who excel at soccer football], the best post-graduate programs for your son’s unborn child [Victorian era, dietary electrical engineering will be all the rage in 2026!], how long to cook chicken on the grill [get a fucking meat thermometer! OK, that was me], whether or not to refrigerate tomatoes [DON’T! Me again], and gravel road bike tires [see below].

I guess all of that unneeded, immature potty talk was my take on the old adage “opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one,” and that after nearly 200 miles on the 40c Clement X’Plor MSO tires I have formed a smoldering dump of an opinion.

First let me say that most bike and product reviews found in the cycling magazines of your book and grocery store shelves are fueled by one thing and one thing only–advertising dollars. That was never the case when I ran XXC Magazine and xxcmag.com, (back before those hairy wiener sucking asshats at Cannondale stole the XXC name for a crap marketing campaign for the new Huffy/Mongoose/GT Scalpel), and it’s not the case now. I bought these tires with Wifey’s hard-earned money, and my freelance crap web guru, bike shop discount. Of course all of that might be why I currently speak of XXC (the magazine, not the aforementioned full suspension Huffy bike promotion) in the past tense.


Now on to my short and sweet review opinion… The tires are really good.

I had been totally digging the WTB 40c Nano, and if I rode exclusively on dirt and gravel roads they would be a badass tire. But 99.999% of my rides contain at LEAST 7 to 20 miles of pavement, depending on the actual length of the ride–which are in the 20 to 50 (tops) range these days because I’m old, fat and utter shit. So, because of that I must go with the MSO right now. The X’Plor MSO just rolls way faster and way quieter on pavement, yet has enough porn star girth to handle chunky gravel, soft dirt, and farm tractor tire ruts.


There are some days that I think I could have, should have, gone a bit narrower (like on today’s short 24 mile ride that was 90% pavement), but as soon as me and my poor bike handling skills hit some soft dirt, deep gravel, or dried chunky cow shit, I know that the girthy [my word] 40c tires were the way to go.


There you go. Pretty simple review. Rolls fast on pavement, fat enough to eat soft shit (pardon the pun yet again), and 200 miles in I dig them the most.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I ordered and bought these tires from my fucking awesome local bike shop. The folks from Clement don’t know who the hell I am, and if they read this shit (again with the puns) they’ll be glad they don’t. I received no money from them, but if anyone wants to send me money, by all means do, it will be our little secret and keep me from becoming the cul-de-sac’s, on the down low, cunning linguist for hire.


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