OK, I’ve sat, drank coffee, and poked around the societal and moral train wrecks that are NSFW Reddit pages long enough; it’s time to get to the gym before the students wake up, and the lunch break, New Year’s resolution hordes descend upon my go-to machines.
I find my sweatproof gutchies, some dirty socks, some equally dirty shorts, and fill a water bottle. Then I grab my keys and phone. I see that I’ve got a message, I assume it’s from Wifey—it’s not, it’s an appointment reminder from Mindbender #2 telling me that the appointment I thought was tomorrow, is today. In an hour. GOSH-DARN-SON-OF-A-BUCK!!
With that, plans to sweat all over the stair climber—and anyone within four feet of me—are put on hold, and I hurry to bathe my ever-enlarging body like a zookeeper scrubbing down a shit covered elephant.
I hurriedly pack a bag with my gym stuff, thinking that I’ll stop at the gym on my way home to get a sweat-on. I’ll be damned if my morning of being the sweat-soaked creeper dad with the soft misshapen body will be deterred!!
Sadly it was.
By the time all the mind-bending, talking, prescription writing, and driving finish, it’s noon on the dot, and I have little desire to duke it out with a lunch-skipping coed back from holiday break with an extra ten pounds and the want to get her ass back in bikini shape before she heads off to Fort Lauderdale in March to lose her virginity (for the fourth time this semester) with pre-law, bag full of roofies Tucker from ΣΑΕ that she met at the swim-up bar.
So, I said, “fuck it,” and drove home to make a giant carnitas burrito with week-old pulled pork so as to keep my gut filled until I get back from taking B to winter training this evening. I figure I have a 50-50 chance of either staving off hunger until 8 PM or shitting my pants in front of multiple teenage soccer players, coaches, and parents. It’s sort of a win-win situation. Except that one of those wins is a loss. And has me covered in burrito shit.
Did I need to share this story with you? No.
Did I? Yes.
Oh well, I think it was better than me waxing poetic about how I’ve continued to visit the gym with varying results, and enjoyed multiple peaceful walks in the woods, which resulted in me expanding my hard drive with more photos of dead leaves and bringing page load times to a standstill on this blog of idiocy.
Don’t worry, I’ll let you know if I shit myself from the burrito and its week-old pork. I feel your concern, and thank you for it.
Here is a shit ton of mega pixels for you to look at. Sorry about the page-load time.