Posts Tagged → unfunny commentary

Less Pain, Not Pain Free

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I recently spent ten days off the bike… TEN DAYS!! Possibly the longest I have been off the bike in nearly twenty years. Some of that time off was an attempt to rest my lower back–which has been a making riding less than fun for the past month or so–and parts were due to bad luck with weather, spending time with my family unit away from home at B-Man’s soccer tournament and occasionally just not giving a shit about riding my bike. However, my back finally started to ease up a bit and I finally started to give a shit again, so I rode. It was swell.

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The Standings of The U.S.

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This morning as I clickity-click-clacked around the interwebnetsphere, I was reminded (pretty much by accident) that the U.S. has a national cross-country race series: USA Cycling’s Pro Cross Country Tour. A seven race series that is a combination of a few US Cup Pro Series races on the left side of the country, plus a race in the middle and one on the far right.

Once I was reminded of America’s dirty little cycling secret, I got to wondering who was dominating our great nation’s race series. It turns out, not many Americans. Take a look-see…

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The Soiled Burger Project 03

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My plan on Tuesday was to get a nice long-ish (for me v.2014) ride in during Wifey’s day working from home. However that plan was–not so sadly–ruined by a series of ball rattling thunderstorms that rolled through Michiganderburgh. So I ran. OK, that’s a lie, I alternated running and walking on the treadmill for three miles. Then I made a hamburger on the grill for lunch and stoked my belly (the one I had just felt flopping from my waist like a flaccid penis for 35 minutes) with every calorie I had just burned and then some. Such is life… such is life as a cyclist who seems to ride less and less with each passing week, eats more and more with each passing day in the pursuit of a tastier burger and writes an almost certainly unread, pointless blog post series called the Soiled Burger Project… On, get this, A CYCLING blog! What the fuck?

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Miguel Martinez: Still Out There

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While Julien Absalon grabs all the headlines of late (deservedly so as he his kicking XC ass all over Europe right now), 38-year-old fellow countryman Miguel Martinez continues to ride along, competing in the UCI XCO series as well as a host of other XC events throughout Europe, including this past weekend’s 3rd round of the Czech Cup in Kutna Hora, Czech Republic where he took the win, sporting what is fast becoming his signature look of Ambervision-like Sunglasses and “say my name, say my name” cycling cap.

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The Soiled Burger Project 02

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Last week, I introduced The Soiled Burger Project; my attempt to up my burger grilling game. In my opinion, Burger 01 was a success to my ever growing belly and dulling taste buds.

I was set to continue the pointless, calorie rich project as the week went on, then I ran out of propane, then I was out-of-town for three days, but hey, I’m back in town now, with some fresh ‘pane and I’m set to continue on with Burger 02, a spicy, sriracha sauce tinged, hunk of ground meaty goodness on a bun. Or at least that’s what I had hoped.

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Neffness VI

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Another fine display from Soiled Chamois favorite and UCI XCO Series leader Jolanda Neff (Liv Pro XC) displaying her “Neffness”  (my term for Neff’s rad factor), new Giant Liv Lust bike and more skill than I ever had or will have. But then again, I have no idea what she is actually attempting here and if it worked out in the end.

Photo by Susanne Litscher via Jolanda Neff’s Facebook Page.

The Soiled Burger Project 01

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So far this summer I have been struggling with my grilled hamburger skills. I’ve scoured the internet, flipped through magazines and even busted out some cookbooks looking for ideas, but so far, so not good. Everything has just been a bit bland. Hell, Wifey even recently declared that she’s “off burgers,” as she took a swig of Jack and threw the plate containing the half eaten burger against the wall, forcing me to tears (I made that up, Wifey doesn’t drink whiskey).

However, I am putting my early summer grill failures behind me and getting balls deep into trying to make a better, tastier hamburger all on my own (yes, I am aware that the use of the term “balls deep” may not be the way to start off a blog post about food. Sorry, it just worked).

Since my evening dinners will be void of grilled burgers until Wifey deems her palette ready for another go, I am resigned to working on building a better burger for my lunches. So after my ride today I set about making burger 01 of the Soiled Burger Project, an ongoing Cat 5 Cooking summer series devoted to my attempts to make what I believe is a better burger (welcome to the world of the unemployed). Your taste buds may differ, and yes, I am aware that referring to any food as “soiled” is not all that appetizing, I think we’ll all be OK…

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Crush Pasta III

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The gun people have the NRA in their corner defending their right to blow big holes in things. Cigarettes have the tobacco industry and all those old smokers trying to look hip on ventilators in their corner. Sugar, which has come to be blamed for everything from childhood obesity, to Obamacare, to erectile dysfunction, has nearly the entire American food industry in its corner. And pasta? Well, pasta has me to champion how freaking good it is when eaten in moderation (although I prefer not to) and prepared with love (Note: please make a rainbow arc with your hands as you read the word love).

Pasta can warm the cockles of even the most staunch carb hater. Yeah, I’m looking at the Atkins people with their three meals a day of cheese & bacon but can’t walk up a flight of stairs and the ninety-nine dollars a pound, grass-fed, Cross-Fit doing, high horse riding Paleo people! Go ahead, hate on pasta! I’ll still be here eating it and loving it along with millions of Italians, the state of New Jersey and that hot Italian cook with the giant head on the Food Network. We be tight.

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