I had the chance to ride my bike today, and I have to say, it was pretty freaking awesome. For many people this is no big deal, but for those of us who live in the dark Hoth-like recesses of Jack Frost’s frozen polar vortex of a bung hole it can be a very big deal. A very COLD big deal…
So often we hear or use the phrase “bike porn,” (or “bike pron” for those wishing to mask their digital tracks) when talking about bikes we are lusting after. So, the other day while on the trainer, I started wondering what might happen if you crossed a story that one (might) find in a smut mag with a story about riding bikes. It seemed like it would be easy and sort of a goof to do, so I did a little Googling, followed by a bit of history deleting, and found a site that, (surprisingly) I had never been on before. The site had a ton of reprinted (so NOT MTBR) Forum stories that I think were featured in a that one mag that refers to their centerfolds as “pets” (please ignore that little dose of misogyny, thanks).
At first, the experiment was proving difficult, I mean some of the stories were freaking over the top! But after perusing a few, I found one that would work well enough and have shared my “new” version below. For the record I straight up plagiarized this story written by T.P. From Austin, Texas (no, I am not going to link you to the original and I don’t really care about the plagiarizing since Mr. T.P. didn’t even give his really freaking name). The red text is the text that I swapped or added to make this all happen.
I got me a case of writer’s block. It’s not entirely my fault, it just that there is NOTHING going on except zero degree temps and snow. OK, there are things going one but I’m talking about things that are worth talking about. The following is a list of things that I thought about blathering on about but realized there was no real point…
Don’t forget to wash those bottles, lest ye get bouts of extreme bowl spackling. Nasty.
Long week of trainer boredom, snow day ennui, and some job searching. Time to eat up, drink up, watch some footy and maybe go for a snowshoe or ski or two in betweenst some family plans.
If you can look at this photo from the 1927 Paris-Roubaix and not think it one of the coolest photos you have ever seen, I will politely ask you to never visit my blog again (not really). Thank you.
Another coating of snow, ice and slush overnight has made me a bit lonely to get out on the dirt roads. Sadly, a ride on roads free of ice and snow doesn’t look like it will be happening any time soon, so today I wasted some time THINKING about riding and pulling the velo-trigger on making a tire change.
Unlike the ladies in the above vintage roller race photo, some days it takes everything I have mentally to complete a session on the trainer, and today was one of those days.
I would love to fill your heads with tales of racing and long rides, but I can’t. I could probably talk about U.S. Cyclocross Nationals, but cross really isn’t my thing, so I won’t. Instead, I will fill your head with sausages, because lately many have come to expect very little from this “cycling” blog and I aim to please.
Oh mama mia, I could use more traffic furniture like this on my rides.
Side note, for some reason my son (B-Man) has been using “ciao” for “yes” and “no” these days. I corrected him, but he didn’t seem to care. Now I find myself doing it. Maybe I shouldn’t do things like misuse the word “girth” when talking about speed. As in “holy shit, that kick had a lot of girth on it.” Beds of stupidity were made, now I’m lying in it (as per usual).
*By the way, I blame my old friend and current Florida Man Dave for teaching me how to misuse the word girth. Thanks.
